One small step
by ally-loves-hp-123
Summary: This is a (mostly) amazingphil fic, but it also talks about danisnotonfire. *not phan*! rated pg-13 (it's really sad)
1. Trying to move on

**_Okay, here's a VERY sad Dan and Phil fic (NOT PHAN! ) I hope you enjoy it! Please give me feedback, thank you so much!_**

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It has been exactly three months since Dan has committed suicide. I am trying to move on with my life. I really am. I just can't. I lost my best friend.

I have began cutting myself again, I like the numb feeling I get when the blade digs into my skin. When the blood rushes down my arms, it gives me a feeling of happiness. I stopped making Youtube videos, which means I don't earn any more money. I moved back in with my parents and my two brothers, Martin and Luke. I have become anorexic.. Nobody in my family knows this, I just always make up excuses on why I'm not eating.

"Phil can you please set the table," My mother calls from the kitchen. The smell of dinner filled my nose. I shut my laptop and walk into the kitchen setting the table. Everyone in my family thinks I am getting better. They don't know I cut my self every night, they don't know I'm starving myself, they don't know how it feels to loose your best friend.

I finished setting the table and sat down. The rest of my family filled in also. My mum comes in and serves us all food before sitting down.

Martin looks at me, and my completely full plate.

"Phil, aren't you going to eat?" My 29 year old brother asks me.

" Oh. I'm not really hungry, I went out for food awhile ago with my friends," I lied to Martin. I don't have anymore friends. Since Dan has gone, I have been to miserable to even be around Chris or Pj. Just looking at them reminds me too much of Dan. I left the house to go visit Dan's grave. They didn't know this, they truly thought I went out to see Chris and Pj.

Luke, my 12 year old brother smirks at me.

" I went in your room earlier to grab your Ds charger, because I lost mine, and I saw you have a picture of you and Dan," when he says his name, it brings chills down my back. I miss Dan so much. He continues on "I thought you said you weren't gay. Why do you have a picture of Dan," He laughs at me, and Martin stops him. Martin sort of knows how much pain i'm going through.

" I'm not gay! I just wanted a picture with my best friend, thats all," everything I told look was true. I wanted to go hide in my room, I wanted to burst into tears. I wish Dan never killed himself. I wish he knew how much he meant to me! He was my best friend. Not boyfriend. best friend.

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_**FEEDBACK? **_


	2. Leaving?

I stand up.

"Where are you going Phil?" my mum asks me, you could tell she was worried. You could tell she felt my pain for a few seconds.

" I need to use the toilet," I run to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. I lock the bathroom door with my shaky hands and open the cabinets to reveal a blade I left in there. I took it out of the cabinet, blood stains already on it. I pressed the blade to my arm. I cut over older cuts, I can see blood start to come out of my arms. I feel the numbness in my arm, the painless pain. I wash my arm off and I see the blood go into the sink. I put the blade back in the cabinet and make sure, theres no more blood on my arm or the sink. I sneak out of the bathroom and into my room. I am trying so hard to move on with my life. It's just, hard. I sit at my desk and open the drawer, grabbing the note Dan left me,

" Dear Phil,

By the time you get back from the radio show studio, I will be gone. I'm so sorry. I can't take all the phan stuff, I can't handle the fact people keep calling me gay. I decided to drown myself. I want you to know that you are my best friend Phil, never forget that. I know this probably isn't going to be easy for you, I just think it's best. Say goodbye to Chris and Pj for me, tell them thanks for being such amazing friends. I'm going to miss you so much Phil, I'm going to miss making videos with you, I'm going to miss your totally funny personality, but most of all I'm going to miss having a best friend.

~ Dan Howell "

There were tears stains from where I have cried on the letter.

"it's for the best" I read that part in the letter out loud. "IT'S NOT FOR THE BEST DAN! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME! I MISS YOU DAN! I REALLY MISS YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!" I yelled at the letter, tears streaming down my face. I can almost hear his voice telling me everything is going to be okay. It's not though.

I hear someone run up the stairs so I hide the letter. Martin bursts into my room.

"Phil! Are you okay!? I heard yelling!" Martin looks at me, worry in his eyes. I shake my head.

" I miss him Martin," I say, tears still streaming down my face. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could be myself with. I miss the one person who actually cared about me. I miss Dan.

Martin gives me a reassuring hug.

"I'm so sorry Phil, I wish he could still be with us. I really wish he was still here. I hate seeing you like this," I push Martin away. He's just saying that to make me happy, he doesn't really mean it. No one gets my pain. Martin looks at me and walks out. I see Luke standing at the doorway. He walks in.

" Why are you crying, you miss your friend?! Sucks huh?" Luke smirks. Why does he hate me so much? I don't even think about it, I just punch him in the face, I can't take it anymore. Luke gets pushed to the ground, now he is crying. He gets up and runs down to go tell on me. I quickly grab the letter Dan wrote, my other blade from the drawer, and put a jacket on. I shove everything in my pocket, and run down the stairs. I'm leaving, and I don't think I'll be ever coming back either.

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**_feedback? :3 _**


	3. Is this goodbye?

My mum is standing in the kitchen hugging Luke, looking furious at me. My dad looks at though he might punch me also. Martin on the other hand, knew I was up to something.

"WHY DID YOU PUNCH HIM!" My Dad yells at me. He's furious. I just want to be alone, I just want to get out of this world. I look at them one last time and run out of the house. I looked back, they didn't even go outside to see where I was going. As I'm walking, the cold wind is slapping my face. Does nobody see how much pain I'm in? Does no one get I don't want to be here anymore. oh, I forgot, no one seems to care. I walk to the same cliff Dan jumped off of.

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_**feedback?**_


	4. happiness at last

The only thing stopping me from jumping, was a thin rope, blocking off the edge. I sit down, feeling in my pocket for the note. I read it over a few times. I stand back up and grab my blade, cutting the rope. I stand on the edge of the cliff, my toes hanging off the edge. I think about my mum and dad, they are to worried about Luke, they won't care that I'm leaving. I think about Chris and Pj, they probably don't even remember that I exist. I think about Luke, he is probably happy I won't be coming back home. Martin, I'm guessing he will be sad, but he will move on with his life.

Then I think about Dan. this is for Dan. This is all Dan's fault. All I have to do is take a step and I will be reunited with him. .step. One small step and this could all be over. I clutch the note in my hand tightly and take a step.

Before I know it, the world around me was falling. Everything spinning. The water hit my face, and everything was white.

I saw Dan smiling at me.

"Glad to see you again buddy," He hugs me. I smile. I now can be with my best friend for the rest of my life. No worries. care free. Nobody can yell at me here. Nobody can take Dan away from me again. I will never have to loose my best friend again.  
And to think,  
all I had to do was take,  
one small step.

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**_okie, thats the last chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. sorry if I made you cry :( feedback? _**


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